Quick answer: Good sexual communication isn't a personality trait, it's a skill. Start outside the bedroom (less pressure). Use "I" statements ("I love it when..." not "you never..."). Be specific ("slower" beats "different"). Give positive feedback in the moment ("that, exactly that"). Normalise check-ins. And accept that the first conversation is the hardest, every one after gets easier.
You'll send fourteen texts deciding where to eat dinner but somehow the conversation about what you actually want in bed never happens. You'll rehearse a work presentation for a week but wing it when it comes to telling a partner that thing they do isn't working. You'll happily review a restaurant on Google but the idea of giving feedback during sex makes you want to dissolve into the mattress. We are, as a species, spectacularly bad at talking about sex with the people we're having it with. And it's costing us better orgasms.
Why most people are bad at this
It's not your fault. You grew up in a culture that treated sex as something that should just "happen naturally", that good sex is spontaneous, that the right partner reads your mind, that asking for what you want somehow ruins the magic. Films taught you that great sex involves zero conversation and perfect choreography. Porn taught you that everyone already knows what they're doing. Neither of those is real.
The result is a lot of people who have regular sex with another person but have never once said "I like this" or "I don't like that" out loud. A 2018 study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that couples who communicate openly about sex report significantly higher sexual and relationship satisfaction. Not marginally. Significantly. Talking about it makes it better. Every study on this reaches the same conclusion.
So why don't we? Fear of rejection ("what if they think I'm weird?"). Fear of hurting feelings ("what if they take it as criticism?"). Fear of vulnerability ("what if they laugh?"). And plain old not knowing how to start. All of those are solvable.
When to have the conversation
Not during sex (at first)
The worst time to bring up a sensitive topic is in the middle of doing the thing. Your partner is naked, aroused, and vulnerable, it's not the moment to say "so, about that thing you do that I don't enjoy." Save the bigger conversations for when you're both clothed, calm, and not in the middle of anything. In the car. On the couch. Making dinner. Low-stakes environments where nobody feels ambushed.
The exception: positive feedback during sex is always welcome. "That feels amazing" or "don't stop" costs nothing and gives your partner real-time information that makes the experience better for both of you.
After sex (the debrief)
Post-sex is actually a brilliant window for light communication. You're both relaxed, endorphins are flowing, and saying "that thing you did at the end was incredible" lands as a compliment, not a critique. You can also gently introduce preferences: "next time, I'd love to try..." is easier to say when you're both still in the afterglow.
In everyday life (the long game)
Sexual communication isn't a single conversation, it's an ongoing one. The couple who casually mentions something they read, shares a fantasy over coffee, or sends a playful text about what they want tonight has a head start on the couple who only talks about sex when something goes wrong. See our sexting tips guide for ways to build this into your daily communication.
How to say what you want (without it being weird)
Lead with what you like
"I love it when you..." is the single most useful sentence in sexual communication. It's positive, specific, and gives your partner clear information about what works. Before you get to the things you want to change, stack up the things you want more of. People respond far better to "more of this" than "less of that."
Use "I" statements, not "you" statements
"I'd love to try..." is an invitation. "You never..." is an accusation. "I find it really hot when..." is a turn-on. "You should..." is a lecture. Same information, completely different reception. Frame everything through your own experience and desires, not as a critique of their performance.
Be specific
"I want you to go slower" is useful. "I want something different" is not. "I want you to use your fingers here, like this" is gold. "Touch me better" is a dead end. The more specific you are, the more your partner can actually do something with the information. Vagueness feels safer but delivers nothing.
Show, don't just tell
Sometimes it's easier to demonstrate than describe. Guide their hand. Touch yourself the way you want to be touched and let them watch. Use a toy together, introducing a vibrator into partnered sex is a natural conversation starter about what feels good. Our how to ask for what you want guide goes deeper on this.
Reframe "criticism" as "collaboration"
You're not grading their performance. You're co-creating a better experience for both of you. Framing it as teamwork rather than evaluation changes everything. "I want us to try..." is collaborative. "You're doing it wrong" is adversarial. Nobody improves under adversarial conditions. People thrive when they feel like partners, not defendants.
The conversations people avoid (and how to have them)
"That thing you do doesn't work for me"
This is the one everyone dreads. Someone's been doing something, a technique, a position, a speed, that isn't working for you, and you've been quietly enduring it. The redirect: "I've been wanting to experiment with something different. Can we try [specific alternative]?" You're introducing a new thing rather than rejecting an old thing. Same outcome, less bruised ego.
"I want to try something new"
Fantasies, kinks, toys, positions, dynamics, anything outside your current repertoire. The approach: bring it up casually, outside the bedroom. "I read about [thing] and I'm curious about trying it. What do you think?" The question format matters, you're inviting a discussion, not issuing a demand. If they're not interested, respect that. If they are, explore it together. Our 10 ways to say what you want has more conversation starters.
"I'm not in the mood"
Turning down sex shouldn't require an essay. "Not tonight" is a complete sentence. But if you want to keep the connection warm, try: "I'm not feeling it tonight, but I'd love to cuddle" or "not right now, rain check for tomorrow?" It communicates care while maintaining your boundary. A partner who reacts badly to a "no" is someone who needs to read our boundaries guide, not someone you need to placate.
"Sex has been feeling routine"
Long-term relationships hit ruts. That's not a failure, it's physics. Novelty decreases over time, and sexual scripts (the same moves in the same order every time) develop naturally. The fix isn't dramatic. Try: "I've been thinking about ways we could mix things up. Want to brainstorm together?" Make it an adventure you're both on, not a problem you're diagnosing.
Communication during sex
Real-time communication doesn't have to be a narrated documentary. It can be simple:
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Positive reinforcement: "Yes", "there", "perfect", "don't stop", "that feels incredible". A single word at the right moment is more effective than a paragraph later.
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Gentle redirects: Moving their hand where you want it. Shifting your body to change the angle. "Softer" or "slower" delivered as a breath, not a bark.
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Check-ins: "Does that feel good?" or "want me to keep going?" These aren't mood-killers, they're the opposite. They signal that you care about your partner's experience.
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Sounds: Moaning, sighing, breathing harder, your body communicates too. Don't perform, but don't suppress genuine responses either. They're data.
When your partner isn't a great communicator
Some people grew up in homes where emotions weren't discussed, let alone sexual preferences. Some people carry shame from religious upbringings, past experiences, or simply never having had a partner who asked. If your partner struggles with sexual communication, meet them where they are.
Try yes/no questions instead of open-ended ones. "Do you like this?" is easier to answer than "tell me what you want." Create a safe environment by going first, sharing your own desires normalises the exchange. Suggest a "yes/no/maybe" list where you both independently mark activities you're interested in, then compare. It removes the pressure of face-to-face disclosure.
Patience matters. Some people take months or years to feel safe enough to be sexually vulnerable in conversation. That's okay. Keep the door open without pushing through it.
Introducing toys into the conversation
This is a subset of the "I want to try something new" conversation, and it has its own particular anxiety attached. Many people worry their partner will feel replaced or inadequate. The reality: a vibrator is a tool, the same way a pillow under your hips is a tool. It enhances what's already happening; it doesn't replace a person. Frame it as an addition: "I want to try using this together because I think it would feel amazing for both of us." Browse the VUSH collection together, making the choice a shared activity normalises it instantly.
The meta-conversation
The best sexual communication happens when you also talk about talking. "I want us to be more open about sex. I know it's awkward at first, but I think it'll make things better for both of us." Meta-communication sets the stage for everything else. It gives both people permission to be honest, establishes that awkwardness is expected and okay, and reframes the conversation as something you're doing together rather than something one person is imposing.
Related reads
More from this series: How to Ask for What You Want · 10 Ways to Say What You Want · Sexting Tips & Etiquette · Boundaries in Bed · Consent That Doesn't Kill the Vibe
FAQs
What if my partner gets offended when I give feedback?
A partner who can't handle kind, constructive feedback about sex is revealing something about their emotional maturity, not about the validity of your feedback. That said, delivery matters. Lead with positives, use "I" statements, and choose a low-pressure moment. If they still react defensively, that's a broader communication issue worth addressing, possibly with a couples therapist.
How do I bring up something I saw in porn that I want to try?
Carefully and with context. "I saw something online that looked interesting, would you be open to trying [specific thing]?" works better than "I saw this in a video." Focus on the act, not the source. And be prepared for a "no", porn shows things that look better on screen than they feel in practice.
Is it normal to find this hard?
Completely. Most people receive zero education in sexual communication. You're learning a skill you were never taught, in a context that makes you vulnerable. The fact that it's hard doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it means you're human and you're trying. That's already more than most people do.
Can a couple be too sexually communicative?
Probably not, as long as it's genuine and not performative. The only scenario where it becomes counterproductive is if every sexual encounter becomes a processing session rather than an experience. Balance real-time communication (brief, in the moment) with post-sex conversations (reflective) and everyday mentions (casual, low-pressure). The combination covers everything.
Sources
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Mark, K.P. et al. (2018). The impact of sexual communication on sexual satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(6), 587-600.
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MacNeil, S. & Byers, E.S. (2009). Role of sexual self-disclosure in the sexual satisfaction of long-term heterosexual couples. Journal of Sex Research, 46(1), 3-14.
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Montesi, J.L. et al. (2013). Partner-specific sexual communication in relationships. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(2), 210-232.
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Sexual Health Victoria — sexual health support in Australia.